An Open Letter to my Birthfamily

Updated: Feb 3, 2019


A Letter To My Birthsiblings

The days, weeks, and even months surrounding May 7, 1983 were difficult. Your mother spent a lot of time in the hospital before and after this date. She had 4 kids already, most near 20 years old, and having a new baby at this stage in her life was unexpected, both for her and her health.

You supported her, visited her in the hospital, and took care of her youngest son at the time. I wanted to say, thank you for supporting her. Because of her selfless act, to give life to a baby, I am alive today.

My name is Brandon. But, I was born Martin.

Martin Vincent.

I was a small baby, and spent time in the hospital. But, I went on to be adopted a few months after by two loving parents, a few miles away from you on Long Island, New York. I became a part of a small family. I had lots of love from my mother and father, and grew up like siblings with my 3 cousins (pictured left with my cousin at Halloween). Because I was adopted, I always knew to cherish my family. In fact, now, I truly appreciate the adoption process, and my partner and I adopted our daughter through open adoption (pictured below).

What’s important for you to know is that I had a good childhood. I have lasting childhood friends (pictured, me and best friend at my wedding) and was taught well by my parents. It is *not* to say things were not difficult (my parents divorced when I was about 7), but in comparison to the strife that many children face in their daily lives, I have a lot to be appreciative for. I grew up to be the first in my family to attend and graduate from a four year college. I have obtained a Master’s degree and am working on my doctorate degree. I feel like every step not only makes me and my family proud, but hopefully honors the decision you and your mom made for me: to give me the best life possible.

What many people don’t know is that I think about you and my birthmom each day. In every decision I make, I think about how adoption was the decision you made to give me the best life possible, the best chance and opportunity, and in every decision, I try to honor and wonder, “would this make them proud?” I hope so.

I have worked in many interesting jobs, from a taxi office assistant in my teens, a preschool teacher in my early twenties, to my current career working at a college (a career that started about 10 years ago). Each career has offered me an opportunity to learn, develop, and try my hardest, and to create a professional family as well. I also teach a course for students about facing difficult challenges and believing in themselves. 

I received information about the adoption many years ago. I saw in the paperwork how your mom was steadfast in her decision, but also had the chance to hold me, name me, and ultimately was “delighted beyond words” that I was in a loving home. Her decision showed selfless love. There is no judgment or blame from me for the situation; to place blame for a selfless and caring decision to place me with a loving, young family would be beyond selfish of me. In fact, I’m full of appreciation. For a family that was just entering early adulthood, and a mother who was just over 40, being pregnant caused so many health concerns, that there were other easier decisions that could have been made. And I wouldn’t be here today. I am full of appreciation for the love you showed.

The reason I searched for you was to share this appreciation and message. Anything else would be a bonus. When I received your names and information yesterday, people asked how I felt. Anxious? Excited? Nervous? It took me a while to identify exactly how I felt, seeing your contact information right before my eyes.

I felt content. I felt like 30 years of waiting has ended. I don’t know what the next step is.

While this letter is public, only I know the names of the people it is truly intended for. And, maybe one day I will read it to you or send it to you. But for right now, I am content.

With love,



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© 2020 by Dr. Brandon Barile

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